Engulfed in Darkness

   Oh the sorrow, the pain, the tears, the anguish. How I long for these feelings to abandon my soul. I feel as though my heart is repeatedly yanked out of the very depth of my being at the sound of an incoming email. Yet, there is no one else to be blamed for this current calamity but me. I have once again drowned myself in the same darkness that I once vowed I shall never see. I have repeated the same idiotic mistakes that I once vowed to myself, my family, my friends and most importantly to Him that I would never repeat. Is this the love that I promised myself? Is this the respect and success that I promised to everyone else?

   Argh! Weak Weak Weak! That is what I am! I succumbed to the petty pleasures of the moment forgetting the bigger picture. Throwing away my responsibilities like only I matter in this world. How I loathe myself at this moment. I loathe at my weakness. I loathe at the lack of determination, the lack of effort. What have I become? What have I done? 

   I love history but why can't I learn from them! Is that not what histories are meant for, for us to learn from our past mistakes and improve so as to not repeat them again. Is that not what memories are for, for us to remember the bitter taste of those mistakes, to remember the pain and sufferings caused by the actions. I have all these grand words, phrases, quotations displayed all around my room but what good has it brought if I am not to listen from them. Oh what an imbecile I truly am!

   For now all that is right for me to do is to pray for divine intervention. The verse that is keeping me sane for now is 

"There is no Allah save Thee. Be Thou Glorified! Lo! I have been a wrong-doer."

Oh how those words ring true. I pray to Him, I call unto Him to save me from bringing further shame to my family, to save me from my current situation and to bring light into this darkness for the strongest feeling that is felt in darkness is nothing else but fear.

   This is a reminder to my future self, if ever in doubt. Try to remember the feelings that you felt at the moment you wrote this post. Try to remember what caused those feelings. Try to remember all the pain that you had afflicted onto those that care about you, onto those that you love. Try to remember the shame you had to endure and the pathetic begging that had to be done. Now that you have all those feelings welled up inside, reason with that vulnerable, self-righteous, arrogant, indecisive and evil side that is making you weak. Do you want those feelings to actually haunt you again without knowing how long it will remain?

Forgive me but this post has to stand bare of any photos, witty lines, or any form of happy feelings.